He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
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I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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