just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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