I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
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Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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