You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
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I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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