Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize