My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize