He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
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His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
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Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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