Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
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what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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