I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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