My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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