you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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