nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
do herpes really smell.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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