i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
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The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
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Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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