Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
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I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
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Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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