Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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