You really coming over, don't trick.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
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I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
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I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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