kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
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do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
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You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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