I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
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I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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