I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
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How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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