Little spoons don't ask big questions
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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