that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
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If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
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I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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