my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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