I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
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There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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