Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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