"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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