does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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