ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
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My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
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I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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