Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize