i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
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Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
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There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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