im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize