But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
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I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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