who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
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As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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