the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
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He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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