dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
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I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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