Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
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I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
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I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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