He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
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So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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