I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
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If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
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I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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