Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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