If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize