I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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