Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
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It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
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he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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