dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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