i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
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when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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