I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
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CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
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Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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