My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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