At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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