He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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