I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize