pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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