I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
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the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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